Tonight is the go-home show before the holiday weekend, and probably will be left in a holding pattern. Much to my chagrin, I work late on Friday, so I was not able to catch the ROH PPV tonight. Hopefully after the craziness of the holidays dies down next week, I’ll find a way to watch it. Until then, it’s time for Smackdown. Let’s hop to it, shall we?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

Merry Christmas! Enjoy this while you can, folks!

– We kick off the show, with the Show. Out with a smile, enters Mr. No Gimmick Needed. Huh… just lost his title, but still smiling. Ever since Sunday, everyone asked him about how he felt what happened. Show cuts a fantastic promo about the struggle for nine years to regain the title, and puts Henry over as a superhuman… mixed emotions for The Big Show: disappointment, anger, shock, conflicted, etc. They show the interview with Josh Matthews on RAW (which was also gold, Jerry, gold!).

– Cue Mark Henry’s music, literally, and out limps the World’s Strongest Man. Henry asks Show what he is proud of? The shortest title reign in history? Henry tells him he should take a week off, and quit the business. WHY IN THE HELL WOULD HE TAKE A WEEK OFF? I think Henry fucked up his line here, and meant to add “think about your career” or something like that. I let it slide though, since this has been a great start to the show…

– Cue Daniel Bryan’s music. Bryan notes that neither can believe he is actually the world champ, no one in the arena, and not even Bryan himself. Bryan notes that he is not the biggest, strongest, fastest, smartest, etc., but he IS a very good wrestler and he IS the champion. Bryan stands his ground. Henry wants a title shot, Show interrupts and reminds him who won their match…

– Cue Teddy Long’s music. Guess what’s coming, playah? Tonight Henry and Show will face each other, and the winner will face Bryan for the title. Then he congratulates Bryan, playah, Merry Christmas.

Whether this episode is a car wreck or not, It looks like WWE has a fan for life.

– * Zack Ryder vs. Cody Rhodes in a Champion vs. Champion match. Titles are not on the line. Meh, I hate that. The title should always be on the line, outside of rare special occasions that are relevant to a storyline. Whatever. Regular readers know I hate this. Have we seen this match up lately? No! Ryder is often criticized for his limited inring work, but I think he caters to a slightly more old school style, and one that makes the simple things look smooth an effective. Both men here do a series of monkey flips, submissions, and grapple spots, but the real story is the facial expressions and playing to the camera in our first segment. Rhodes generates a bit of heat with Booker T as we go to break…

As soon as they notice a camera on them, some people just can’t resist…

– Things heat up as we return, as the announce team put over Ryder’s web series and the appearance by Mr. Belding from Saved By The Bell. Yeah… that really happened. Midmatch, Booker begins singing a rendition of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer to the arena (substituting Rhodes for Rudolph)… Ryder takes advantage of the distraction and wins.. “Cody with your nose so bright, you just got beat tonight…” Rhodes is obviously pissed.

– We go backstage to Teddy Long applauding Booker’s heel move (it was, folks!), and is interrupted by Santino who notes that since Zack is champ now, he won’t have time for his assistant to the GM position. He wants consideration. Cue the porn music, and Aksana sexually innuendos into the segment for no reason, she leaves, Santino leaves, enter Vickie and Dolph. Dolph notes that when the time is right, he will demand his obligatory rematch (why is it obligatory?). Dolph points towards Bryan’s argument that he is not the best at anything, and books a match. We don’t know it yet, well… I do. I’ll show you, you’ll see! Then Teddy Long starts dancing. No, he didn’t quote Stevie Richards, I did.

A heart attack for Christmas? Ha ha… awesome prank.

– * The Big Show vs. Mark Henry. Loved the promo to start the show… dreading this actual match up. Thumb targeting FFW button on remote control… David Otunga w/ coffee mug comes out for some reason. Love the coffee mug. He tells us Johnny Ace is worried about the health of Mark Henry, and that the trauma in Henry’s foot means that this match will not take place. Otunga wishes us on behalf of John, the happiest of holidays. Then Big Show KO’s Otunga. Henry leaves. No match… no FFW. Henry goes to the I.R. to heal (no kayfabe, he’s been working through injuries).

Charles Barkley @G: “Merry Christmas, honkey.”

G @Charles Barkley: “Just couldn’t help yourself, eh, Barks? Merry Christmas, Chuck. Looking forward to you hosting SNL in 2012!”

– Miz confronts Teddy Long backstage, notifying him here is here. Long is confused as he made no request. Miz points out this is why Johnny Ace is the man and that NO SINGLE SMACKDOWN SUPERSTAR HAS APPEARED IN THE MAIN EVENT IN A PPV IN THE LAST YEAR. I wonder if that’s accurate, but wouldn’t be shocked if it is a fact.

– Matthews sets up a clip package for the Tribute For the Troops. Cole, in a brief moment of awesomeness, looks like he is thinking “AGAIN? WTF?” Listen, I support the WWE in entertaining the troops. They have been the reincarnation of Bob Hope… and as a Canadian, I’d wish we had something like the USO show for my brethren who risk their lives to protect the freedoms I enjoy (although the U.S. can keep Nickelback, okthnx). I think it’s a good thing. But let’s see… I’ve seen this same package on last Friday’s SD, RAW, NXT (Yeah, I watched it! Tyson Kidd vs. Percy Watson was good), and ANOTHER SD. Fuck. Overkill? Whatever happened to humble philanthropy? I’d bet this shit showed up on Superstars too.

– * The Miz vs. Sheamus. Since Teddy Long doesn’t have Undertaker as his go-to guy, nor Randall Keith Orton for that matter, Sheamus fits the bill, fella. This one is old, but I don’t care. It explains EVERYTHING:

Teddy, meanwhile, is violently rubbing one out wondering why he hasn’t taken Aksana up on her repeated offers to provide him with a Happy Ending Merry XXX-Mas. Seriously though folks, enjoy the time off if nothing else.

– Miz rants and raves about ANYONE coming out to face him. I suppose I already spoiled it, but you already knew that. Miz cuts a great promo about being famous and whatnot, and the palest Irishman in the world indeed cuts him off. DING DING DING! It’s a back and forth of power and brawling, charisma and attitude, to start. The two take their time setup numerous power moves to no avail, with early finishing attempts not working. Then Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick out of nowhere and the match ends. Sheamus wins in like 3 minutes? Ouch.

– Barrett comes out and talks about Team Barrett’s win over Team BOrton at Survivor Series (predicted by this G, here). Wade thinks he should be in line against Daniel Bryan for his leadership. “And as they say in England, ‘Have a Happy Christmas’.” Orton runs out and supplies a XXX-Mas AWOL Tribute to the Troops beat down, shits in Barrett’s present, and the two take it backstage. BACKSTAGE BRAWL. Yep, I enjoy the savage and rarely seen carnage… but as Barrett keeps trying to leave after he made his peace, Orton will not let this happen. Is Orton in Right to Censor now? How is this something a face would do? Unprovoked, Orton manages to spray Barrett with a water-pressure gun, dump garbage on him, and RKO him onto the top of a sedan parked backstage. I think us 10%’ers are as confused as ever. Die Orton, die. Randy is the new Twitter. Looks like we got a basket of stupid in this segment under the tree.

This is how my parents prevented me from peeking at presents as a little guy. Traumatized for X-Mas!

– * Kofi Kingston vs. Primo. While little explaination is given to why or how, who cares. Someone remembered about tagteam wrestling. Primo is accompanied by people whose name ends in “O.” I think Awesome-O is there. The announcers put over guys as “tag-team specialists,” which is a good thing. Kofi hits a great looking high flying crossbody splash, to no avail. As Evan Bourne and Epico share a joint distract the referee outside the ring, Kofi lands a ridiculously great looking standing-360 jumpkick straight out of the arsenal of Starman from ProWrestling on the Nintendo Entertainment System. That get’s him the win. Fuck right, it does.

I think anyone who has ever spent time on a computer secretly loves this animated gif.

– * Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler. Oh man… oh man… looking forward to this, as we cut to commercials for the entrances. Fine by me. Catch-as-catch-can to start… I have a feeling this will be one of those matches impossible to truly “describe.” Stephen King noted about “The Far Side” cartoonist’s work that “You can’t tell a cartoon.” I stand by me that. Few saw what I did there.

– The heat is set to simmer, as the two attempt to build momentum against each other with a grapple swap, into a couple slam spots. We hit a second commercial break with 20 minutes to go. I ignore my inner pessimist and ask Santa for a TV 2011 MOTY candidate.

This looks like a fun way to solve a little problem.

– We return, and Dolph is showing off. Vickie claps ringside. Daniel and Dolph trade spots simultaneously and fall down hurt… Jack Swagger saunters down (WITHOUT RING ENTRANCE MUSIC) as the two battle. Bryan takes it to the outside, dominating, but Swagger attacks Bryan! Big Show comes out too, with no audio (about time). Swagger and Vickie retreat (Cobra: Live to Fight Another Day). Big Show watches as the heels ringside come back. Bryan takes the lead meanwhile, reverses the Zigzag, and land’s his MMA style kick pattern. Bryan goes for a top rope move, to be reversed into a sick looking suplex, BUT NO!!! Bryan will not have it! Fuck it, watch this match. I will. Results to follow…

– D Bryan near fall with top rope suplex, Dolph foot on the ropes… Vickie cackles… Big Show goes to interfere… Teddy Long makes the match into a tagteam match.

-* Daniel Bryan/Big Show vs. Jack Swagger/Dolph Ziggler. Fuck me. Show kills Ziggler, and screams at Bryan “Are you ready!??!?” He agrees, and a tag is made, but Bryan’s shit kicking does not avail as Ziggler gets a hot tag. I hate what is going on for the story, but this is great wrestling! Swagger and Bryan are doing things not seen in a while with a tree of woe spot. Fuck just go watch this match and enjoy your holiday. You can’t tell a match.

– Wow, after a slough of reversals and spots, the match culminates with Bryan submitting Swagger with the LaBelle Lock. What a great match, even if the tagmatch part was kind of a non-finish! Merry Christmas and stuff.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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BTW, Actually
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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.