So Randall Keith Orton may be rushing back to action sooner than expected. Even though he describes his injury as “leaking” in his spine. Not a wise move, “Mr.” Viper. So now that that’s cleared up, time for Smackdown. Let’s hop to it, shall we?

Finally got me a new 3DS!

I’ll even post some Power Poll results at the end of the article, just because… take a wild guess who made number 1?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Highlights of Orton being tossed down a flight of steps to advance the “injury angle” from last week. This is a good thing for big Barrett. Since I made the animated gif, here’s MY recap:

Gravity always wins on planet Earth.

– Since Smackdown doesn’t screw around, we get right to the reason to watch. WRESTLING… And it’s our rubber match, which I bet ends nefariously and leads to Rhodes and Dustin’s brother feud.

– * IC Title: Cody Rhodes vs. Booker T. The two trade brawling and minor submission spots to start, telling a story that this match is up in the air for either combatant. As the two eventually take it to the outside for our first segment, Rhodes stands strong.

This one just made me laugh, so I thought I’d share…

– And we’re back… and Rhodes goes to land a moonsault, but doesn’t connect properly. Booker was slightly off of the target, but Rhodes pops back up seemingly ok. They tease a scissor kick finish, but Rhodes kicks out and hits his leaping midrope kick to retain the title. Post match, Booker slowly gets up with a let down look on his face. The crowd pops for him and his effort. Good match, not great, but worth the watch.

Might as well exploit stuff before SOPA ruins the internet…

– Rhodes is seen walking backstage with a huge shit-eating grin… Dustin approaches him to congratulate him. Cody shuns him, calls him a failure and questions whether he will outshine their father. Great heel moment.

– A segment between Teddy Long and Zack Ryder, Santino and Drew McIntyre… and later Aksana. What’s worth noting is that they are continuing the McIntyre storyline where he has to impress Long with a win, and justify his contract.

Booyah!

– A.J. swoons over Daniel Bryan (who arrives shortly after) with Alicia Fox. Meh.

* Hornswoggle vs. Heath Slater (Over the Top Challenge). Yes. This happens. Fuck me. Swog’s bites Slater in the ass, and punches him in the groin before Slater begins to stomp on him. Swoggle leaps into Slater’s arms, who goes to toss him out… but reverses it and pulls Slater over the top rope to the outside. Your winner, Hornswoggle. Ahh, whatever. Fuck Heath Slater. Justin Gabriel runs out post match for no reason and lands his finisher for good measure.

It was a Bug’s Life, now it’s a frog’s buffet. NOM NOM NOM!

– * Ted DiBiase vs. Hunico. Racist stereotypes continue, and vanilla faces get no respect. Meh. Lowrider bicycles are more interesting than this feud, but as Al Creed noted last week… how can we take a heel on one seriously? Not worth watching, Hunico wins, my attention is completely drawn to “Mr.” Warrior’s retort to Kevin Nash and the Twitter War they are having. Crazy vs. Sexy? Here’s the video:

– I ask you… in that video, who actually comes across as more level headed?

– Wade Barrett is out to address the medical update of Randy Orton… himself. Clips are shown (third time tonight!). Barrett deadpan’s his expression, with his usual air of elitism. Barrett declares Orton’s career as finished. Sure he might come back, but he’ll never be the same. Then he reminds us that “ironically” enough in St. Louis, the Royal Rumble will occur. I hope they aren’t doing the hometown hero returns unannounced with Orton. Unless he does not win. That spot should be reserved for Dolph Ziggler…

This is more effective than telling them to get off your ride.

– It’s FELLA TIME! Sheamus interrupts with a tale of his Uncle Wilfred, a sheep herder who would spin a yarn about fantasy battles that never occurred. As per usual, the anecdote is epic! But we haven’t gotten our typecasted racial stereotypes all in yet! NO!! Out comes Jinder Mahal (riding a camel… ok, I made that up). Mahal slaps Sheamus in the face, and the two heels double team the Great White. This impromptu brawl ends with a meeting of the United Nations who request that Jinder uses his patented Calgary, Alberta famous Camel Clutch to force Sheamus into a deep… deep… slumber.

This episode is on cruise control… dangerously…

– * Drew McIntyre vs. Santino Marella. (Drew’s job is apparently on the line… again). Wow, poor McIntyre. Marella looks like an opponent here, which does not bode well for the Highlander. Santino sets up for the Cobra… AND ACTUALLY LANDS IT! YOUR WINNER, Santino Marella. Ok. Look. Marella can lose night in and out, and still be over. Someone is getting future endeavored? Ouch.

Above: How Rey Mysterio is booked in every match in the WWE.

– Micheal Cole narrates a spot with the WWE 2012 video game which “simulates” Cole beating Daniel Bryan for the title. Ok, that made me laugh.

– McIntyre is freaking out backstage to Teddy Long… Long threatens a “strike 3” meaning he might very well be out of here. Rosa Mendez demonstrates her ability to further the nonsensical stereotypes with her shitty dancing beside Epico and Primo, and a… fuck it. Nothing significant happens.

– * Air Boom vs. The Carlito’s. All sarcasm aside, I indeed enjoyed this match. It felt like I was watching two teams. Not a throw-together-creative-has-nothing-for-you deal. Too short, maybe four minutes… Bourne misses his finisher allowing for Primo to capitalize and pin him for the win!

Totally happens at my work ALL the time…

– An interview with Big Show backstage, who kind of puts over Bryan… then it gets fucking awesome. Bryan heeltastically goes sarcastic on Show, noting his skill and ability and not being a “genetic freak.” Bryan points out if he has his skill and Show’s size, he would be unstoppable. Show goes serious, but still with respect… and nicely, even. Take it to the ring. Best backstage segment of the night!

They really should have let him finish, you know.

– * Tamina vs. Natalya. Theoretically, this could be good. On paper. This is on the internet, you say? Hmm… G watches… Nattie appears to dominate, but after a nice series of attacks, Tamina snags a reversal and a “Superfly Splash” later, Tamina gets a pin and the win. Decent showing by both women, albeit short… but you already knew that. I would have preferred to see Tamina fed an Alicia Fox, A.J., etc., here. If it were a true reboot as a pure heel, that would be the way to go. Alternatively to save this, have her join whateverthefuck Beth and Natalya’s stable is called this week.

Charles Barkley @G: “Can’t watch tonight, getting ready to host SNL tomorrow!”

G @Charles Barkley: “I’ve got my DVR recorded so I can skip the crap on that show too!”

* World Title: Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show. Mark Henry comes out too… he’s going to join the announce table (see: interfere later).

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LINE OF THE NIGHT!!!! YES!!!!
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Cole: “So Mark, I’ve got to ask you… who would win a match up, uhh…, between Daniel Bryan and Hornswoggle?”

Henry: “I can’t believe you’d ask me a dumb question like that… What relevance does that have to me being out here, and me not having that title? YOU TELL ME!!!

Cole: “Well, I apologize Mark, I didn’t realize… (cut off)”

Henry: “If you don’t have nothing smart to say, don’t say nothing at all!”

Maybe facial expressions will help:

– Bryan and Show both have decent heat with the crowd, and they get about 10 minutes possibly… Fairly typical David/Goliath start here, as Henry shuts down Cole’s mouth to start. Show takes a hold and tosses Bryan from the ring as the people at home are treated to advertising.

Gamer rage? Perhaps. Stupid? Certainly.

– We return, as Henry shouts at Show to get back in the ring… allowing a baseball slide on the giant by Bryan! Bryan seems to live outside the ring, laying out Big Show for a near countout?

– IN AT 9! “That’s the slowest count-out, evah!” notes Mark Henry. Show and Daniel are trading spots? Yes. LOL, then it’s Bryan’s time outside the ring, bleeding from the mouth. Mark Henry stands up yelling at him, “Get back in the ring! What you taking a rest for?!? Get back in there!!” AWESOME! Henry is good on commentary now? WTF?

– The Henry distraction puts the level into high spots and power moves. The drama is in place, Bryan laid out. Choke slam via Big Show? Nope, Bryan reverses into a submission attempt on the neck, taking the giant down… LaBelle Lock!!!! Big Show escapes, and pushes Bryan to the outside!!

– Bryan makes a genious play. He gets up, and looks both ways. A giant at the table, and one in the ring. He realizes the one at the table can force a DQ, so he gets in Mark Henry’s face. Henry shoves him down and Bryan gets his wish. Bryan runs into the ring, celebrates like he won it for the first time, even kisses the belt. Sarcasm for the win! I loved this ending.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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POWER POLL!

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1/6/12

1. Chris Jericho (NR)

2. Kane (4)

3. Dolph Ziggler (3)

4. Wade Barrett (NR)

5. Daniel Bryan (1)

6. CM Punk (2)

7. Zack Ryder (5)

8. Cody Rhodes (NR)

9. R-Truth (6)

10. Sheamus (8)

Fallen Out Of The Top 10:
Booker T, Big Show, Air Boom

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.