Let’s just get this out of the way, if you like Randy Orton… pay high attention to his involvement on Smackdown tonight since it’s the last time you are going to see him for possibly half a year.

Word on the interwebs is that he is suffering a problem with a disc in his spine, and if the six month window is accurate, will also miss WrestleMania.

I think that this bodes well for Smackdown, however, as it will force the WWE to attempt to elevate guys into and towards a top face role on the program. Both Zack Ryder, and inevitably, Dolph Ziggler can benefit. But enough about speculation, let’s hop to it, shall we?

Oh yeah, Brock Lesnar just retired from the UFC tonight… hmm…

Maybe? Perhaps?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– We kick off the show with Booker T making his way to the announce table? Nope, he’s going to the ring dressed in a suit. He wants to address the crowd before we kick things off. 2011 was a great year for T, starting with the Rumble pop he got and then transitioning into an announce role. Then of course his feud with Cody Rhodes, in which he defeated Rhodes… and logically, out come Rhodes to retort. Rhodes figures if we are recapping the year, he wants to address his own. He rehabbed an injury, defeated Mysterio at WrestleMania, and then brought back honor and prestige to the I.C. title… then he “took a washed up announcer” and “got him to regain some of his former glory.” Booker reminds him he beat him on Monday. Rhodes looks to actually congratulate Booker and the two shake hands. Afterwards, Rhodes notes that Booker is now just a nostalgia act and unless he goes back to announcing, it’s only going to expose himself as washed up… then guess what happens?

Right out of nowhere!

– Golddust’s music hits, and out comes the older brother without any costume or makeup. Dustin, out of character, talks about when he was down and out, Booker T was the guy who had his back and that he had the most fun in his career tagging with Booker. Cody takes exception, and states he “restored the Rhodes family name after [Dustin] threw up all over it.” Booker interjects challenges Cody for one more match for the I.C. title since both men are 1 and 1 in their series. Next week is the rubber match. After the match is agreed to, Cody cheap shots Dustin and leaves the ring. This will likely set up a feud between the two brothers later (one Dustin has been petitioning for for a while now).

Charles Barkley @G: “Rubber match? Is that like two guys with their junk in condoms having a dick waving contest?”

G @Charles Barkley: “No, it’s… a fuck it. Yes.”

– * Ted DiBiase vs. Jinder Mahal (Both need a gimmick reboot match). Jindar gets more and more racially cliche each week. DON’T THESE PEOPLE KNOW HE’S FROM CALGARY? HE SHOULD BE TAGGING WITH TYSON KIDD AS COWBOYS BECAUSE THAT’S THE STEREOTYPE OF OUR HOMETOWN! I have to pause the match, check on my horse, shoot at some varmints, replace the chaw in my bottom lip, and tip my hat at all the purty ladies. Sorry. This match looks terrible on paper my computer monitor. This match sucks, but Jindar gets a win as he submits Dibiase. Guess what he uses? A Camel Clutch. Why? Because the WWE thinks all brown people have one submission move.

– Aksana and Teddy Long bit is broken up by some new guy I have never seen before Drew McIntyre. Long points out he resigned Drew from Smackdown, and that he was slumping on RAW. However his contract is worth too much to keep a loser, so Drew has to win tonight or Long will reconsider his acquisition.

– * Alicia Fox and Kaitlyn vs. Tamina and Natalya. I opt to check email and facebook while this plays in the background. Only because Natalya is in it. Tamina and Kaitlyn show some potential here, maybe with some more time and seasoning… the Natalya is in the ring, and Alicia Fox WHO FUCKING COMPLETELY BOTCHES A SCISSOR KICK but gets the win anyways. Terrible. Post match Tamina takes out Natalya and hits a top rope splash on her.

She clears Natalya, missing completely.

– A “Don’t Try This” ad airs with the divas featuring clips of Gail Kim.

– World Champion, Daniel Bryan is chatting with A.J. until Big Show asks to talk. “Giants don’t really need to be ‘rescued’ or ‘saved,'” notes. They are supposed to tag tonight, but Long appears citing words from “above: (see: panicked McMahon saw the ratings for two RAWs ago and fucks over Bryan again). Show will face Otunga?

This one makes me laugh, but confuses me as to what he was intending to film in the first place.

– * Justin Gabriel vs. Hunico. Hunico comes out on a lowrider bicycle with some other Vatos character. They delve into racist stereotypes immediately in the mini interview in a box. Jindar Mahal is seen backstage weeping and complaining that he couldn’t be as good as typecasting himself as Hunico. Not much of a match here, but what we get is actually good. Too bad it lasts like two minutes as Hunico heeltastically receives help from his pal… pin and win. Post match, they perform some kind of morph between a 3D and and an F5. WHAT A MANEUVER! Well, it was pretty cool.

Finally got a new phone, went with an iPhone. But I choose not to beat be like these two fellas.

– * The Big Show vs. David Otunga. Show will have complete use of both upper limbs tonight. Otunga comes out sans coffee mug… followed by the hobbling Mark Henry. Show gets to work on Otunga right away, beating up the lawyer while yelling at Henry between spots. Otunga manages to get tossed out, and Henry gives him a pep talk leading to a little table turning for David. Bryan Daniels runs in and attacks Mark Henry with his belt, and the two exeunt stage left. Big Show + punch + Otunga = win.

They could be anywhere.

– * Drew McIntyre vs. Ezekial Jackson (Drew’s job is unofficially on the line). Oh, how the mighty have fallen… wow. Two guys who’ve done very little in a long while… Zeke does his usual power moveset (yawn) while Drew battles with a nice mix of ground and aerial assaults. Drew is still portraying a heel with his moves as well. I think they are piping in audience reactions here… Drew attempts to use the the ropes to leverage the pin, BUT GETS CAUGHT BY THE REFEREE! As Drew protests, Jackson school boys him, USING THE TIGHTS BUT THE REFEREE MISSES THE FACT. And just like that a double turn occurs, likely building a program where Drew will beg to Teddy for a rematch against a heel Ezekial? Bet on it.

This guy drives like manager or tagteam partner heel. The referee has no clue…

– Yep, cut to Drew complaining to Long about the shenanigans. Long says he hates losers who make excuses looking angry. So is Long a heel now? Or is Drew future endeavored? YOU DECIDE!

– * Sheamus vs. Heath Slater. Ginger Squash! Take a wild guess which one. Sheamus cuts a promo about the future… the Royal Rumble! He puts the match over as awesome (because it is) and what it means. He doesn’t care what number he draws, but like every year, he will win the Royal Rumble. Out comes Hornswoggle! They play off of the Christmas Battle Royal where Swog’s beat him. Hornswoggle plans on entering the RR, and Sheamus tells him it’s not likely… oh Christ, they gave Heath Slater a microphone… blah blah, number one redhead on Smackdown, blah blah, he’s going to win the rumble, blah blah. Sheamus makes a joke about the band Journey, but calls Slater an R. Kelly type of guy, you know that song “I Believe I Can Fly,” and promptly tosses him over the ropes to the outside. That wasn’t a match… WTF? And this empty mug isn’t a beer…

Speaking of which… off to grab a cold one.

– * Sheamus vs. Heath Slater. Ok, it happens for real. I tell you, I do this as I watch, and that ending to the last portion of the show made it sound like that was it. Sheamus plays with Slater… the crowd loves to see this guy get beat up. Shockingly, Slater gets some offense in as they drag this one out. In all fairness, Slater lands some decent spots including a dropkick to the lower legs, electric chair, reverse Diamond Cutter… but it’s not enough. Surprisingly watchable.

– Backstage Bryan and Show bicker. Show is pissed Daniel keeps coming out to “save him” whereas Bryan just wants a thank you. Ha ha! Show will have a title opportunity against Bryan next week to compete against RAW’s Ziggler vs. Punk for that brand’s title (according to Long’s logic). Bryan shows some inner heel by noting upon exit that his title reign lasted longer than 45 seconds. Foreshadowing? Telecasting? Hmm…

Wait… what? I don’t think they can repair this…

– I think what might be the 6th “Don’t Try This” ad appears. Fucking weird. I expect one, maybe two, of these on an episode… did some kid tombstone piledrive another kid in the playground at recess before the holidays that we don’t know about?

– * Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett. Here we go. How will Orton get hurt? Who knows, haven’t seen the clip… I just know it happens. As much as I shit on Orton for putting me to sleep, I don’t wish death on the guy. I really think this could be good for all involved if Orton can come back and refresh his character healthy. Plus it opens a door to build up another guy or two…

– They start slow with brawling, etc. Orton steps on Barrett’s head atop the steel ring steps outside the ring, because he is a face. Then Orton goes for an early RKO, but is tossed into the ring post. Then he clutches his ankle. WAS THAT THE SPOT.

– I’ll level with you folks. He was injured going into this match. This is just the kayfabe shit to write him off television as he decides whether to undergo surgery to put him on the shelf for half a year, or to rest for a few weeks and likely risk dramatically shorten his career and ability to walk. A completely retard would opt for option 2. Time will tell how retarded Orton is.

Should have just let the kid watch Sponge Bob, huh?

– We return from commercials, and the two work a slow safe style for a couple minutes. I don’t Nyquil, do I? Headlocks take up more time. Barrett misses a Wasteland slam, and Orton throws some of the most awkward looking punches ever (injury to spine will do that). They fight around the announce table with Barrett taking the brunt of it. Orton kills the referee for some reason. They fight into the arena and backstage and what looks like the worst edit ever to a pretape. Makes sense. If Orton couldn’t do more than this, they would have just edited it as a backstage segment only. Brawl… brawl… brawl… crafts table, etc. They get into an elevator and fight, so we cut to the security camera in the elevator! HA HA! Ok, I love this part! We cut to a camera trying to catch up to the brawl running down the hallways… huff… huff… huff. When he catches up, we see Barrett standing atop a set of concrete stairs and a laid out Orton at the bottom. Barrett exits the arena. Orton is dead.

DEAD!

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.